Splat Songs Contents An dem Bier The Hasher Pukes Tonight This Hasher The Gypsies Hash Amazing Beer Battle Hymn of the Hasher O Harriet The Tired Hasher God Save the King The Disease Song (O How I Love Anthrax) Six Checks O Holy Beer His Red Dress Hasher Wore A Short Red Dress If You're A Drunkard Two Pierced Tits Route 69 Don't Cry For Us Check Your Balls Ring of Power Tommy Boy Beer Is So Good As Our Hare Homeless Hash Ho Bear Trap's Song PO My Old Friend My Little Pink Panties SFH3 AGM Song O Cold Beer A Brew On A Hill I Lay The Trails Another Saturday Night Cougar, Cougar Hash Rugby Here Comes the Bride American Dream New York Down Down Down Your Beer (by Arabian Goggler) War Hares (by Oral Roberts) O Say Can I Pee? (by Manisex Destiny) Anthrax Time (by Licks It Clean) A Hummer Song (by Cervix So Laid) Hopelessly Hashing (by Cervix So Laid) ----- An dem Bier Tune: The Ode to Joy Lyrics: Splat How much beer has he been drinking? He is looking really lit. As we sing here aren't we thinking, "Do we really give a shit?" Who's this wanker, so unseemly, That his mom would surely frown? Grab that beer and hold it firmly, Drink it, drink it, down down down! ----- The Hasher Pukes Tonight Tune: The Lion Sleeps Tonight Lyrics: Splat Based on an idea from Thurston Bowel the Turd. Thanx Thurston! Short version (suitable for down-downs): In the gutter, the slimy gutter, the Hasher pukes tonight. In the gutter, the slimy gutter, the Hasher pukes tonight. Chorus: Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, drink it down down down! Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, drink it down down down! Longer version: In the shiggy, the wild shiggy, the Hasher's lost the trail. In the shiggy, the wild shiggy, the Hasher's lost the trail. Chorus: Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, Hashing all week long! Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, Hashing all week long! At the beer check, the blessed beer check, the Hasher shortcuts past. (repeat) In the shower, the public shower, the Hasher beats his meat. In the Circle, the drunken Circle, the Hasher drinks it down. In the gutter, the slimy gutter, the Hasher pukes tonight. In the Hash House, the rowdy Hash House, the Hasher sings this song. ----- This Hasher Tune: When Johnny comes marching home Lyrics: Splat This Hasher's been whacking off again, hurrah, hurrah! This Hasher's been whacking off again, hurrah, hurrah! This Hasher's been whacking off again, So give him a drink or he'll start it again, And we'll keep him busy, Drinking it down, down, down! ----- The Gypsies Hash Tune: The Monster Mash Lyrics: Splat (with some help from Little Johnson) Note: Parentheses indicate backing vocals I was walking through the Park, on Halloween. When I beheld a drunken scene. A band of Gypsies had gathered there, And suddenly without a care... (They did the Hash) They did the Gypsies Hash! (The Gypsies Hash) It was their 500th Hash! (500th Hash) They were drunk in a flash! (Drunk in a flash) It was the Gypsies Hash! (ahh oooooo) They had their Sacred Missal, books one and two, (ahh oooooo) And their tasty Bucket caught more than a few, (ahh oooooo) And there presiding over this crazy thing, (ahh oooooo) Was Rongjon their beloved Gypsy King! (They did the Hash) They did the Gypsies Hash! (The Gypsies Hash) It was their 500th Hash! (500th Hash) They were drunk in a flash! (Drunk in a flash) It was the Gypsies Hash! (ahh oooooo) Now I followed carefully along their trail. (ahh oooooo) To some their antics were beyond the pale. (ahh oooooo) The Bucket's delights had my head in a roar, (ahh oooooo) And Bigfoot's cooking had me begging for more! (He did the Hash) I did the Gypsies Hash! (The Gypsies Hash) It was their 500th Hash! (500th Hash) I was drunk in a flash! (Drunk in a flash) It was the Gypsies Hash! Thurston: Mmmm...bucket goooood! Bucket goood! Down Thurston, you impetuous young boy. Thurston: Bucket goooood . . . ----- Amazing Beer Tune: Amazing Grace Lyrics: Splat (with some help from Thurston Bowel the Turd) A - maz - ing beer, A taste profound, A whole keg just for thee! The pack is lost, But home you've found, The beer check you can see ----- Battle Hymn of the Hasher Tune: The Battle Hymn of the Republic Lyrics: Splat (with some help from Thurston Bowel the Turd) His eyes have seen the horr-or of the steepness of the trail, His ears have heard the whin-ing of the whing-ing Hash-ers tale, His lips have felt the pas-sing of this na-tion's fin-est ale, This Ha-sher's done it all! Chorus: Glory, Glory, Ale and Lager! Glory, Glory, Ale and Lager! Glory, Glory, Ale and Lager! Now drink it down, down, down! For wearers of new shoes: His feet will feel the damp-ness of the clean foot-ware he's worn His soul will sense the shame and wish that he had not been born All of him will suffer pain like shiggy's sharpest thorn This Ha-sher's worn new shoes! ----- O Harriet Tune: O Tannenbaum Lyrics: Splat O Harriet, O Harriet, As all the guys will witness: O Harriet, O Harriet, You fill our pants with stiffness! You are so lovely, you break our hearts, But you sure do swell our other parts! O Harriet, O Harriet, You fill our pants with stiffness! O Harriet, O Harriet, She's the model of fitness. O Harriet, O Harriet, You fill our pants with stiffness! You need a kiss? Well, that's all right. Just don't ask Thurston, what a fright! O Harriet, O Harriet, You fill our pants with stiffness! ----- The Tired Hasher Tune: The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Lyrics: Splat The tired East Bay Hasher went trudging up the hill, Stopped at the Beer Check and there he drank his fill, And when the trail was over, his shoes were muddy brown. Though he was drunk already, he had to drink it down, down, down, down... ----- God Save the King Tune: God Save the Queen (My Country Tis of Thee) Lyrics: Splat All Gypsies hear our call! Raise glass and stand up tall! Join us and sing. For drunken revelry, And no more chastity, We drink our toast to thee: "God Save the King!" ----- The Disease Song (O How I Love Anthrax) Tune: O How I Love Jesus Lyrics: Splat O how I love Anthrax, O how I love Anthrax, O how I love Anthrax, You used it to lay trail! O how I love Herpes, ... You gave the Herp to me! O how I love the Clap, ... At least I did get laid! O how I love the Lyme, ... At least I did get sucked! O how I love Rabies, ... That dog was sure surprised! O how I love Juandice, ... My liver's not dead yet! O how I love DTs, ... It's time to drink some more! O how I love buckshot, ... That farmer sure hates me! O how I love PO, ... It spreads from hand to dick! O how I love blueballs, ... She said, "Let's just be friends!" O how I love back aches, ... He said, "I'm just too drunk!" I how I love the AIDS, ... I got it from your wife! O how I love Tourette's, ... Fuck shit piss cock ass! O how I love the 'Rhoids, ... Better them than you! O how I love the SARS, ... (Cough twice and collapse.) ----- Six Checks Tune: Sing a Song of Sixpence Lyrics: Splat Sing a song of six checks, A pocket full of flour, Four-and-twenty hashers, Hashing for an hour. And when they found the beer check, There wasn't any there. All agreed to go On-In And lynch that goddamn hare! ----- O Holy Beer Tune: O Holy Night Lyrics: Splat O holy Beer! The hops, the yeast, the barley, Combined as one we drink you joyfully. O holy Beer! Our thirst is overwhelming! We need you soon! O, are we close to thee? You are our hope through miles of thorn and PO, And when we're done, we'll let the cold beer flow. Fall on your knees, And sing to ale and lager! O be-er divine! O beer, O beer divine! O beer di-vine! O-O beer, O beer divine! ----- His Red Dress Tune: Pop Goes The Weasel Lyrics: Splat Once a year on a certain night, The hasher dons his red dress. He thinks he'll have just one more beer-- Pop goes his dress seam! ----- Hasher Wore A Short Red Dress Tune: Mary Had A Little Lamb Lyrics: Splat Hasher wore a short red dress, Short red dress, short red dress. Hasher wore a short red dress, It looked so fucking tight! Everywhere that hasher went, Hasher went, hasher went, Everywhere that hasher went, The ladies would take flight! ----- If You're A Drunkard Tune: If You're Happy And You Know It Lyrics: Splat Based on ideas from Annahymen and Quick Drip, Seattle H3 If you're a drunkard and you know it, raise your glass! If you're a drunkard and you know it, raise your glass! If you're a drunkard and you know it, (slurred)Then your slurring will surely show it. If you're a drunkard and you know it, raise your glass! ----- Two Pierced Tits Tune: This Old Man Lyrics: Splat Two pierced tits, They look fine. May I feel them all the time? With a pinch and a wiggle, Now they're getting hard. I hold them in high regard. Two pierced tits, They look great. Show them while I masturbate! With a pinch and a wiggle, Now they're getting hard. I hold them in high regard. ----- Route 69 Tune: (Get Your Kicks On) Route 66 Lyrics: Splat Well if you ever plan to have some sex, Try one more way, It's the foreplay, That's the best. You'll feel fine On Route 69. Well they do it in Chicago and L.A., More than two million people every day. You'll feel fine On Route 69. Go down on his dickie, It's not so tricky. See her little cunny, Looks O so yummy. Get set to suck and blow, As you try fellatio. Don't put up a big fuss, You'll like cunnilingus. Scrotum, vulva, Let that tounge revolve-a! Would you get hip To this kindly tip And go take that cunnilingal dip. You'll feel fine On Route 69. (Repeat previous two verses.) ----- Don't Cry For Us Tune: Don't Cry For Me, Argentina Lyrics: Splat Don't cry for us, Titillator! The truth is we'll always need you. All through the drunkenness, Our wild parties, We're down on our knees. Soon you'll want more sleaze! Don't cry for us, Titillator! The truth is we'll always love you. You gave us horniness; You have so rocked this town; Now is no time to frown: Just drink it down, down, down... ----- Check Your Balls Tune: Deck The Halls Lyrics: Splat Running trail in this fine city, On-on-on-on-on, on-on, on-on. See that girl, now ain't she pretty? Wood-y-wood-y-wood, wood-wood, wood-wood. She's fifteen, don't even think it! Jail-jail-jail, jail-jail-jail, jail-jail-jail. Now it's time for you to drink it, Down-down-down-down-down, down-down, down-down. ----- Ring of Power Tune: Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash Lyrics: Splat & Enter the Gerbil A Hobbit is just the thing To destroy this evil ring. Despite my great desire, I threw it in a crack of fire. Chorus: I threw it in the burning crack of fire It went down, down, down, And the flames went higher, And it burns, burns, burns, The ring of power, the ring of power The taste of power is sweet, And we have hairy feet. We look just like a child. The ring, it makes us wild. (Chorus) ----- (Ring My Bell) Tommy Boy Tune: Strike The Bell Second Mate (Also, "Clack of the Shears", a traditional Oz/NZ sheep shearing song) Lyrics: Splat, with help from The Belles of Bedlam Here in my bedchamber and strutting about, There is my Tommy Boy so steady and so stout; [appropriate gesture here] What he is a-thinkin' of he doesn't know himself, And I wish that he would hurry up and ring, ring my bell. Chorus: Ring my bell Tommy Boy, time to go down low; Look ya well to lickin' if you think you want a blow; You haven't done your duty, 'til you've made a sister yell. O I wish that you would hurry up and ring, ring my bell. Sittin' with my Tommy Boy, a kissin' on the couch, He'll want some help with the swellin' in his pouch. His sac is hairy, and it's stinky, truth to tell, And I wish that he would hurry up and ring, ring my bell. (Chorus) Lying on his back side and pulling on his pud, Ticklin' the knob, he thinks he's a stud. He doesn't realize that he's putting me through hell, And I wish that he would hurry up and ring, ring my bell. (Chorus) Lyin' with my Tommy Boy, a humpin' in my room; He don't know which hole's the entrance to the womb. He says "size don't matter," and you know that's just as well, And I wish that he would hurry up and ring, ring my bell. (Chorus) There lies my Tommy Boy, a sleepin' on his side, In spite of what he thinks, it wasn't a great ride. But I've got a better toy, a-sittin' on my shelf, And I guess that I will help myself to ring, ring my bell. (Chorus) ----- Beer Is So Good Tune: God Is So Good Lyrics: Splat Beer is so good. Beer is so good. Beer is so good. It's so good to drink it down, down, down, down... ----- As Our Hare Tune: 100th Psalm (The Old 100th, the Doxology) Lyrics: Splat Note: This is an additional verse to "As I Was Walking Through The Wood" Generic version: As our hare lay trail through the wood, He shat himself, he knew he would. He cried for HELP, but no help came. That's why this trail was really lame. A special version for Lois Lame of Gypsies in the Palace H3: As Lois lay trail through the wood, She shat herself, she knew she would. She cried for HELP, but no help came. That's why this trail was really Lame. ----- Homeless Hash Ho Tune: Amazing Grace Lyrics: Splat Homeless Hash Ho Lives in a van Down by the wide river. She runs the trail And proves she can Keep up with my liver. And when she's had Her fill of us And drunk this city dry, She'll climb on board Her little bus: A new hash she will try. Previously unpublished bonus verse: And when she leaves Our hashing ground To wander this great land, We all will miss That squeaky sound: The rocking of her van. ----- Bear Trap's Song Tune: Angels We Have Heard On High Lyrics: Splat She's been nearly everyplace From New Zealand to the Bay. She brings joy to every face, And we all hope that she'll stay. Bea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ear Trap! She's our favourite Kiwi! Bea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ea - ear Trap! She's the Harriette for me! ----- PO My Old Friend Tune: Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel Lyrics: Splat (with a little help from Full of Shit) Note: If you don't know what PO is, replace the first line with 'Hello Poison Oak, my friend,' Hello PO my old friend, I've got you on my crotch again. Well, you know you make my asshole itch. These oozing sores are such a bitch. And the words of the doctor chilled my bones: "Prednisone." Drink it down You asshole(s)! ----- My Little Pink Panties Tune: When You Wore a Tulip (sometimes known as 'My Little Red Rose') Lyrics: Splat Note: Adapted from a very similar song in the Half-Mind Hymnal for the Inaugural Little Pink For Profit H3. I wore my panties, My little pink panties, And he wore his Guinness shorts. He began to caress me, And then he undressed me, What a thrill we had in store. He played with my titties, My little pink titties And down where the short hairs grow. His kisses grew sweeter, He pulled out his peter, And whitewashed my little pink rose. ----- SFH3 AGM Song Tune: It's a Small World After All Lyrics: Splat (with a little help from Thurston Bowel the Turd) So I'm lost on trail, & the outlook's bleak. RMO's the hare for the second week. Well, it's hard to be on When the flour is gone. San Francisco suck my balls! Chorus: San Francisco suck my balls! San Francisco suck my balls! San Francisco suck my balls! You can suck me off! Who's Your Daddy drinks; he thinks it's a game. My liver squirms as I hear him exclaim, 'It's time to kill that keg. Fill up that hollow leg!' San Francisco suck my balls! Now we need a way to make the pack grow. This looks like a job for Ms. Stroke & Blow. Well she'll huff, & she'll puff. I just can't get enough! San Francisco suck my balls! At six tits a week it is downright mean. That's five hundred tits I have never seen. Titless, bring out the newbs. I want to see their boobs! San Francisco suck my balls! I always fear a Hard & Lengthy trail. My knees will creak, & my liver will fail. But one thing that I know, That she's no RMO. San Francisco suck my balls! Well the trails are shit, & the beer is flat, & Splat's songs are lame, & the chicks are fat. The GMs, they need clues. I need to pay my dues. San Francisco suck my balls! It's Halloween, & my costume's too tight, & 6 Tits is nude, that's really a fright. The night is a scare With no boobs that are bare. San Francisco suck my balls! At Snowball I'm thinking, 'Who are these guys?' Who knew these wankers had dresses & ties? Well everyone looks great, But I can't find my date. San Francisco suck my balls! Everyone gets laid during B2B. I see the cocks & boobs are swinging free. The float will win the prize. Now get between my thighs! San Francisco suck my balls! Now we'll all get dressed for the Red Dress Run. Even Splat looks good when the drinking's done. I would be such a sight, But my dress is too tight. San Francisco suck my balls! Fuck Buddy's a pal just as advertised. She says 'Howdy, Friend', & I get a rise. But every time I call, She's never there at all. San Francisco suck my balls! There's no way to catch up to Straight to Hell. So far out in front he's on next week's trail. When you're running so fast, All chicks are in the past. San Francisco suck my balls! Now this year in song has come to an end. Let's all drink a toast to our new GMs. Well there's no need to curse; They can't be any worse. San Francisco suck my balls! It's cold and it's damp and it's lib-er-al. The schools all suck and the jails are full. The earthquake is near, But it's Bush that they fear. San Francisco suck my balls! ----- O Cold Beer Tune: O Little Town of Bethlehem Lyrics: Splat O cold beer on a winter's day Just doesn't satisfy. We'll drink some grog, we've got eggnog, Hot buttered rum to try. Let's lay down by the fire. Mulled wine will make us tight. The neighbor bakes erotic cakes. We'll have some fun tonight ----- A Brew On A Hill Tune: A View To A Kill Lyrics: Splat Meeting you with a view to a swill Face to face in sunny places know the thrill Shiggy covers me But you know, the beer I'm drinking Will make me pee Could it be the whole pack wondering 'why?' The hare will try, a back-check leading us wide B2B's why, why don't we Chorus: Do Double-o-seven That foamy mug is all we need Do Double-o-seven Do him then please do me Do Double-o-seven That foamy mug is all we need Do Double-o-seven The choice for you is a view to a swill Between the trees inebriation drink your fill You'll drink many beers Crawl on all fours through the shiggy The On-In nears To quench your thirst soon you're feeling no pain A chance to find a partner who is game A chance to grind, but will we (Chorus) Where you will see there's a view to a swill! Version from NorCal's InterAm 2007 bid: Meeting you with a brew on a hill Face to face in sunny places know the thrill Shiggy covers me But you know, the beer I'm drinking Will make me pee Could it be the whole pack wondering 'why?' The hare will try, a back-check leading us wide Inter-Am's why, why don't we Chorus: Hash our way to NorCal That foamy mug is all we need Hash our way to NorCal To wild hills & redwood trees Hash our way to NorCal That foamy mug is all we need Hash our way to NorCal The choice for you is a brew on a hill Between the trees inebriation drink your fill You'll drink many beers Crawl on all fours through the shiggy The On-In nears To quench your thirst soon you're feeling no pain A chance to find a partner who is game A chance to grind, but will we (Chorus) Where you will see there's a brew to be swilled! ----- I Lay The Trails Tune: I Write The Songs by Barry Manilow Lyrics: Splat I've been hashing forever, & I laid the very first trail. I put the beer & the bad shiggy together. I am the hash, & I lay the trails. I lay the trails that make the whole hash bitch. I lay the trails that leave that special itch. I lay the trails that make the grown men cry. I lay the trails, I lay the trails. My cock lies deep within you, & I've got my own piece of your ass. Now when I lie between your thighs, I come again--fill you with a mighty blast. Now I'll put back on my pants. At least you gave my trail a chance. & I set piss-up checks so you'll have booze. Cold beer feels your gut. Well that beer makes us all a slut. Beer from me, beer for you. Beer from you, beer for me. Now commence debauchery! ----- Another Saturday Night Tune: Another Saturday Night, by Cat Stevens Lyrics: Splat Another Saturday night, & I ain't got no penis. I got so horny that I must get laid. Now how I wish I had some kind of dildo. I need to masturbate. ----- Cougar, Cougar Tune: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star Lyrics: Splat Cougar, cougar on the prowl. Get that guy to make you growl! Now the cougar's in a cage. Oops! That guy was underage. Cougar, cougar don't you frown. Now it's time to drink it down down... ----- Hash Rugby Tune: Yesterday, by the Beatles Lyrics: Splat Note: Another verse for the 'Pregnancy' (a.k.a. 'Leprosy') song. Hash Rugby Boulder Holder's bearing down on me. I've dropped the ball & want to flee. O why did I play Hash Rugby? ----- Here Comes the Bride Tune: Here Comes the Bride Lyrics: Splat Here comes the bride, Why's she wearing white? Here comes the groom, Just whacked off in his room. Here comes the ring, On his tiny thing. Here comes the best man, With his cock in his hand! ----- American Dream Tune: This Old Man Lyrics: Splat My Fairlane, she inspires. Just check out those giant tires! So much fun to drive, She's everybody's dream, Fuelled by my American Cream. My Hummer, built like brick, I just love to shift his stick. So much fun to drive, He's everybody's dream, Stick like an American Beam. Allante, she's the best, Drives farther than all the rest. So much fun to drive, She's everybody's dream, Comes with an American Scream. His Corvair, it's his pride, Pistons pumping deep inside. So much fun to drive, He's everybody's dream, Full service American Steam. ----- New York Tune: New York, New York Lyrics: Splat Start passing the booze; I'm drinking today. Where can I really savor it? -- New York, New York. The next beer to choose; a bar tab to pay. Will twenty dollars cover it? -- Not in New York! Don't want to pass out in a city that doesn't sleep, Or find I'm stuck with the bill -- I'm really cheap. These big city brews, they made me this way. I have to pee all over it. -- In old New York. If I can drink it there, I'll drink it everywhere! So here's to you: New York, New York! ----- Down Down Down Your Beer Tune: Row, Row, Row Your Boat Lyrics: Arabian Goggler (with a little help from Splat) Down Down Down your beer, To pay for your crime. Quit complaining about the taste, There's no sperm this time. ----- War Hares Tune: War Pigs by Black Sabbath Lyrics: Oral Roberts He runs slower than molasses Cause he's scoping young boys' asses Master of inebriation And delayed ejaculation All those oozing sores are burning From the tricks that he's been turning With the ladies he has no luck Cause he's always too drunk to fuck, Down-down-down! ----- O Say Can I Pee? Tune: The Star-Spangled Banner Lyrics: Manisex Destiny Oh say, can I pee In that bush by that tree? I'm worried that I might be seen by the next guy. I could use some relief, I would water that leaf, But I'd end up quite blue If I dribbled on my shoe. And the pressure is high, And no bathroom is nigh. The truth is that I Can't hold back this great flood! So out comes my pecker, And at the crowd it will wave. 'Cause the thought of going pee, Has made me so brave. PLAY BALL! ----- Anthrax Time Tune: Yellow Rose of Texas Lyrics: Licks It Clean (with a little help from Splat) When it's anthrax time at Ikea, And there's no help where you've run, Bin Laden's in the restroom With a car bomb half-way done. No time for evacuation. No time to say your prayers. When it's anthrax time at Ikea, It's time to arrest the hares! ----- A Hummer Song Tune: A Summer Song by Chad & Jeremy Lyrics: Cervix So Laid Balls swaying in the summer breeze Pants are down below your knees As you get hard. You're giving me a hummer now Lips are sucking me, and how In your back yard Moaning when you go down on me Watch the teeth or I will be Permanently scarred Hot sweaty sticky party just for two And we both will come It's loads of fun with a big squirt gun A real ace in the hole Wish you'd never stop the blow No no no no And when your clam Opens up so far and wide I stick my tongue down deep inside And you scream 'More!' ----- Hopelessly Hashing Tune: Hopelessly Hoping by Crosby, Stills & Nash Lyrics: Cervix So Laid Hopelessly hashing, hung over, he hikes through horse crap Attempting a trail Swimming in sewage and slimy green garbage He steps into a bear trap Only to have a fish fall on his lap Witlessly wanking, he wades through the ragweed and wheezes Yelling 'Where's the fucking beer?' Painfully pissing, PO on his pecker, he ponders Did he hear a hello... or even 'On on'? He is one hasher He has two sore balls He has twelve trail choices He has foreskin failure Right at the river, the road runs by arrows, reversing His cookies have been tossed But it's all bullshit, a back check right by the beer check, so He's not really lost But only... DFL He is one hasher He has two sore balls He has twelve trail choices He has foreskin failure -----